Lamar Area Hospice’s grief programs are made possible from BBB donations

Lamar Area Hospice Good Grief Coordinators Kelsie Cedeno (left) and Roni Vallejos (right)

The words “good” and “grief” don’t commonly go together.  At the Lamar Area Hospice, however, they not only go together but, when combined, embrace the idea of a place to go which allows children and adults to normalize their grief, receive support from others experiencing similar emotional struggles and education in healthy ways to move through their grief.  They learn that they can tell their stories in a safe, loving and nurturing environment.  I recently met with Deb Pelley (Executive Director of Lamar Area Hospice). Roni Vallejos (Children’s Good Grief Coordinator) and Kelsie Cedeno (Adult Bereavement Coordinator) to learn more about these programs.  I could immediately sense the compassion and love for their jobs that all three women have. Before telling me about the programs though, they told me that it was only because of the generous donations from the BBB each year that the programs can even exist. They wanted to express how extremely grateful they are to BBB for enabling them to continue Jillian Sweet Tinnes’s legacy.  For those not familiar with BBB, it stands for “Beers and Brats for Boobies” a 5K event conceived by Jillian in 2011 after she was diagnosed with breast cancer as a way to promote breast cancer awareness.  Through the years, it has become much more than just a 5K and has grown to become a joyful day in celebration of her as well as a day of remembrance and honor to all lives lost to cancer.  The community turns out in larger numbers each year, donning pink tutus, drinking beer, eating brats, sharing stories and memories of loved ones lost and giving generously to the BBB fund.   Jillian lost her battle to the disease after a courageous fight 3 years after the BBB began, but not before she saw her dream come to life.  Jillian’s sister Megan, along with the BBB committee, continues the work of organizing the event each year. Jillian’s young daughter Haven was one of the first young people to receive support from the children’s Good Grief program. Jillian’s untimely death was very hard for her family and friends. All money raised by the BBB event is split between the Southeast Colorado Cancer Initiative and Lamar Area Hospice, who uses 100% of its share to support the Good Grief programs. We may often wonder how much of our well-intentioned donations actually benefit the people they are designed for, so it is important for people to know that 100% of the money raised by BBB stays local and directly benefits our community.  It is rare to find a charity that uses all of its donations for the people it is intended for and that is what makes the BBB so unique and amazing.

While many in our area are familiar with the many services Lamar Area Hospice offers in the way of palliative care, respite services, medical equipment services and end-of-life care via their hospice care services (all at ZERO cost to recipients), their grief programs perhaps are not as well known, but serve a very important role in our community.

The Good Grief program in Lamar began in 2012.  Roni Vallejos had previously worked in a number of Children’s Hospital ICUs with siblings and patients at the time of their siblings’ deaths.  She attended a conference that year where grief programming for children had been implemented in another city’s hospice agency and she knew that Lamar Area Hospice had a well-established hospice program.  After returning to Lamar and speaking to Deb about starting a children’s bereavement program, the board members of Lamar Area Hospice “were immediately onboard and very committed” said Ms. Pelley.  Roni is a Certified Child Life Specialist and coordinates the Good Grief program for children. The Good Grief Group program is built on several key components.  Normalizing grief and providing peer support in a safe space encourages students to grow in their knowledge of grief, learning to tell their stories, learning coping skills that allow them to emotionally express themselves and connects them to a community of other grieving children.  Grief is alienating and makes a person feel very alone and vulnerable, naturally.  Good Grief hopes to remove some of those struggles. Particularly for children and teens, this lets them know that they are not alone in experiencing their grief and that what they are feeling is something very normal and universal.  For years, society has felt that children are mini adults and can “get over” the death of a close family member or friend, Our society has done a disservice to grieving people to expect them to “get back to normal” and ignore their pain.  Family, friends and neighbors haven’t learned how to recognize, support and allow people to be sad and hurt because it makes us uncomfortable as observers. From her work in this field for 25 years, Roni knows that kids are resilient but can gain confidence and encouragement and can learn better ways to express their loss even when they can’t verbally express or even really understand. In her work, she gently lets children know that they are not alone and that the group can give them a safe space to grieve and to share their story when they feel ready. In providing these groups, she finds that they often begin to open up, realizing that “hey, someone else knows how this feels”. The children are invited and encouraged but can opt out if they choose not to attend. Many children begin by listening and observing  the other children in discussions, games and activities. Trust is the foundation of these groups.  The children are allowed to continue to attend grief group for as long as they need.

Roni herself experienced the traumatic loss of a sibling at 14 when her older brother Jeff died in a car accident at the age of 25.  “I share my story with them in each grief group, modeling for them how to tell their story of loss and hoping they find connection and understanding in me as their leader”. Besides the grief groups that run each semester during the school year, there are several area- wide events held by the Lamar Area Hospice Good Grief Group.  These fun and active social events, offered three times a year locally, allow the children to interact with others from all the good grief groups held in other schools and communities (the program is currently utilized in 6 local school districts and involves 94 participants. She says that when bringing the various groups together at such an outing, the children are always amazed at how many other kids are going through similar loss.  She told me that just by watching their eyes widen she can see that they feel part of something bigger than themselves.  According to the 2023 Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model using vital statistics information, Roni told me that one in eight children in Prowers County will have suffered the death of a parent or sibling by the time the child is 18.  One only has to do the math to realize how valuable a grief program such as this is for our area children. No other local hospices offer this type of support specifically for children in Southeast Colorado, so it is extremely important that this program continue; again, made possible and supported by generous donations from the BBB.

Kelsie Cedeno runs the adult bereavement program at Lamar Area Hospice and also assists with the children’s grief groups. Much like the children’s program, adults attending her groups find comfort in knowing that not only is someone there to help them navigate the grief they are experiencing, but they are able to connect with other adults going through a similar process.  Also, like Ms. Vallejos, Kelsie knows personally how the loss of a loved one at a young age impacts a person as an adult and this allows her to understand and help participants on an intimate level. The adult meetings are held at the Hospice offices each fall, spring and summer. The adult program has proved to be popular and is also essential to our community, benefited by donations to Hospice. Like the children’s groups, the fact that “there is no right or wrong way to grieve” is stressed and that it is a process that is different for every individual.  There is no timeline for grief and it is not a linear process.  These adults find a safe space to connect with others and talk about their losses while also learning helpful tools.

The third floor of the Lamar Hospice building houses the adult and children’s programs, with multiple rooms set up to accommodate both adults and children of all ages.  The “Jilly Bean Haven of Hope” room is the highlight of them all, designed for and used by the children. A beautiful sign next to the door features a picture of Jillian (Jilly Bean is her nickname) as well as a message about her and the work she did to promote breast cancer awareness.  Jillian spent her last month as a patient with Lamar Area Hospice and her daughter Haven was one of the first participants in good grief group. Those at Lamar Hospice know in their hearts that Jillian would be very proud of not only the room, but the positive impact the groups have had on our community’s children, teens and adults. The room is beautifully decorated in soft colors with comfortable bean bag chairs scattered throughout, along with an air hockey table and a small teepee for the children to play or sit in. On entering the room, a beautiful mural painted on the opposite wall is the first thing your eyes see, softly lit up by spotlights from the ceiling.  The mural is simple in its execution but profound in meaning.  It features a large tree with multiple branches (a color version of the program’s black and white tree logo used throughout the building and on printed material).  On these branches are individual wooden leaves which represent the kids who have gone through or are currently involved in the program.  After writing their name on a leaf, they are encouraged to place it on one of the branches. The tree and its leaves are a visual reminder to them that they are not a single leaf but join others as part of the tree and its seasons of life.  Looking closely at even the black and white logo, you can see a small green sprout at the base of the tree and several along the branches.  The sprouts can be seen as being symbolic of life going on even after the darkest seasons. The other meeting rooms on the floor are also cheerful and bright and themed for adults and teens. There is a large craft room well stocked with a display of art and other craft materials used in creating both memory-making and general craft projects in the various group classes.

The programs continue to grow and provide this much-needed grief support for Lamar and the surrounding communities. Just this fall semester, two local school counselors are now running grief groups without Lamar Hospice staff after training and observing. Roni during groups for the past two years.   The program’s next goal is also beginning to take form as well.  It is a “grief buddy” program, starting with high school students who have benefited from the program. These volunteers have participated in grief groups and are now returning to volunteer in the younger groups.  They provide extra hands as well as giving young students another role model when sharing their grief stories. The buddies are also on the receiving end and are benefitting by providing a positive example of the importance of volunteerism. During our discussion, Ms. Pelley stated that “people don’t volunteer anymore” compared to previous generations and that the importance of this needs to start with the youth and teens. Hopefully, the grief buddy program will show volunteers how impactful their time can be to others and encourage them to grow in their grief knowledge too.

During my visit Deb, Roni and Kelsie shared copies of several brochures and mission statements for the group.  Much of the written material used in the classes is gleaned from the multitude of books written by Alan Wolfelt, PhD, who is a renowned speaker and grief counselor.  He is best known for his grief model of “companioning.”  In describing the concept, he states that “Grief is not an illness; it is the natural and necessary sequel to love.  Unlike the medical model of grief care, the companioning model does not seek to treat or cure but rather bear witness, learn and accompany.  Grievers are the experts of their own experience.  Companions offer a safe space, an open heart, affirmation and hope”.   Lamar Area Hospice and its grief programs do exactly that. I think the most powerful statement he makes is this, which is basically the mantra used by Good Grief: It says: “Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away the pain”.

Deb, Roni and Kelsie wanted to again express their most sincere thanks to the BBB for making this all possible.  I would encourage anyone who desires to volunteer to contact them.  I would encourage anyone wishing to make a difference by donating to do so to the Lamar Area Hospice, knowing that ALL money will stay local and directly benefit those in need of their services.  I would encourage anyone who knows someone who has suffered the loss of a loved one, friend or neighbor, to share the word about the hospice’s groups and also to find a way to use these teachings in their own lives and be there to support, to listen and to comfort others in need.

Those of you who use social media can check out the Good Grief programs.  On Facebook and Instagram, they can be found @lamarhospicegoodgriefgroup and on TikTok  @goodgrieftalk.  Lamar Area Hospice is located at 108 W. Olive Street in Lamar and their phone number is 719-336-2100.  Their website is www.lamarhospice.org  and email is administration@lamarhospice.org.

By Barbara Crimond